


Blue

by huskyhercules



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Baking, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Break Up, Codependency, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cute, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell Needs A Hug, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Fluff, Declarations Of Love, Depressed Dan Howell, Domestic, Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Domestic Fluff, Established Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, First Love, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hugs, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Depression, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, No Sex, No Smut, Phan - Freeform, Phone Calls, Play Fighting, Possibly Unrequited Love, Post-Break Up, Rain, Sad Dan Howell, Sad Ending, Sleepy Cuddles, Texting, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love, Weddings, You will see why, dan is just really sad okay, i cant write it well, i love them very very much, i mean they could be youtubers, im really sorry there is no sex, no harm meant to the boys AT ALL, no youtube, obviously, please, possibly triggering??, read the notes, read the tags, sorry - Freeform, there is just no mention of it, this is just fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 18:18:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15394623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/huskyhercules/pseuds/huskyhercules
Summary: Dan Howell loved Phil Lester with all of his heart. He thought Phil felt the same way.





	Blue

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT NOTE: This work could possibly be triggering to some as there are references to depression and just overall some self-loathing thoughts. There is not much, and there is no mention of self-harm or suicidal thoughts or actions, but there are some pretty intense parts in the narration, and I know that everyone is different so this may effect some people. Please read at your own risk. I love you, be safe and take care of yourself. Know that you are loved and important and worthy of everything good.

Blue was my favourite colour.

     I read somewhere that the majority of the world's population also likes blue the best, but I didn't just  _like_ it. Blue was the colour that tethered me to sanity, the one thing that would comfort me in dire situations if I closed my eyes and imagined it. Blue reached out and enveloped me in warmth and comfort, protected me from all and any danger.

     It was the first colour I saw when I woke up in the morning, and the last colour I saw when I went to sleep at night. It was the colour of all the things I loved: the ocean, the sky, Phil's bedsheets, my mother's old earrings, the skype logo back in 2009 when Phil and I would talk for hours on end.

Phil's eyes.

     Phil's eyes were my favourite blue. They were the warm, pool of hope that never ceased to dazzle me even as the years passed and I saw them every hour of the day. The shivers that ran through me whenever our eyes met never really went away. 

     - - - -

     I remember the day I told him. We'd gone to sit outside to watch the sunset, legs crossed in the grass, knees touching. I snuck a glance at him, and what I saw was more beautiful than any sunset could ever be. The dim light illuminated his face in a warm glow, making it seem like his sunshine personality was shining through to the outside. His pale skin looked so soft and kissable, and I knew then that I couldn't hold it in any longer. I grasped his warm hand into mine, and my heart skipped a beat when he didn't pull away. 

"Phil."

"Dan."

"I think I'm in love with you."

     He froze, and I felt my heart in my throat as I waited for him to respond. I almost sighed in relief as I watched him relax, turning to me and smiling that beautiful smile with his tongue stuck between his teeth.

"Ditto."

     I spent years feeling on top of the world, and my elation never faded because I knew that no matter what, I had him. As long as I had him, nothing could ever be that bad, right?

     There was a day when he persuaded me to go for a walk in the rain with him, and of course I obliged because it meant I would get to see him smile. He wore this dumb, holographic raincoat, which on anyone else would have looked stupid, but on him it looked brilliant. I told him I'd only stay out for 10 minutes, but I eventually lost track of the hours. We stopped fooling around in the puddles only when Phil noticed the sopping cuffs of my jeans, to which he took me under the protection of a big tree and kissed me. 

     Our kisses always reminded me of time stopping. Like we were the only two people in the world, like nothing else mattered except his lips on mine. In this particular one, under the tree, he kissed me so tenderly my knees were practically buckling. He peppered my neck and face with light kisses, whispering things I can still hear in my head to this day.

     I stayed in his arms for a long time, butt soggy from sitting on the wet ground, yet too content to give it any care. I must have fallen asleep at some point, because next thing I knew I was lying on his chest back in our apartment, feet intertwined by the fire.

      - - - -

     It was an early Sunday morning, and Phil had woken me up at the ass crack of dawn. Why, you ask?

"Dan come on, it'll be fun!"

"It's 4:30 in the morning Phil, why do you want to bake cookies  _now_?"

"My heart wants what it wants."

"Well  _my_  heart wants to go back to sleep."

I cracked one eye open and was met with Phil pouting beside me, his hand reaching to intertwine with mine. I groaned.

"Fine!"

Phil whooped in celebration and pulled me out of bed, kissing me on the cheek and leading me to the kitchen.

     At first I was really groggy while we baked, but as the time passed I realized I was having more and more fun. Phil looked absolutely adorable with his purple plaid pajama pants and ruffled hair, and the dopey smile he directed toward me made my heart skip a beat. But it was when I was placing the cookies in the oven when the excitement really started. I didn't feel it at first, but when I turned around I caught him red-handed.

"Philip Lester!"

Said man blushed at my tone but continued sprinkling the flour in my hair nonetheless. 

"Oh, you are gonna pay for this!" I shrieked, reaching for the flour on the counter and throwing a handful directly at him. He gaped for a second, but soon got his composure back, reaching for a spoon and pointing it at me like a sword. I grabbed my own spoon and mirrored his stance.

"You dare challenge me, the almighty Philip?" He announced in a posh voice, raising his spoon even higher so it tapped my nose. I giggled.

"You will no longer be almighty when I defeat you and take your kingdom for my own!" I added an evil cackle at the end for good measure and fought back my grin.

"I never lose!"

"We'll see about that!"

"On guard!" Phil declared, slashing his spoon at me playfully. I jumped back, reaching for the chocolate chips and tossing them at him in defense. He caught one in his mouth, and I could tell he was holding back his laughter too.

"Your attacks are weak." He muttered, grabbing the now empty mixing bowl ad holding it like a shield. I dashed around to the other side of the counter, dodging a marshmallow attack and a few sprinkles. Phil followed me across the kitchen, his socks making him slide across the floor. I dumped some flour down his neck and he shrieked, charging at me. I squeaked in surprise as he picked me up by my waist and spun me around, letting his laughter ring freely into my ear. I laughed along with him as he gently set me back down on the floor, our noses touching. 

     We were both panting with joy, our cheeks flushed and dusted with flour. He reached up to gently wipe some off my nose. 

"Daniel Howell," he whispered, "I am so fucking in love with you." 

I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned in so our lips barely brushed together. 

"Ditto." I whispered back, finally leaning forward that extra bit to press my lips to his, arms tightening around him. I placed my spoon down on the counter so I could just focus on him, but as soon as I did he pulled back abruptly. My smile faded.

"What is it, Phil?" I asked, worry evident in my tone. He grinned back, pointing to my now forgotten spoon on the counter.

"Does that mean I win?" He asked, tongue poking out between his teeth. I rolled my eyes and pulled him close again. 

"Shut up you spork, just kiss me."

 

**2017**

     Phil was a kind soul. Even during our skype calls he emitted a sort of joy through the computer screen that never failed to find its way straight to my heart. It was all the little things that made my time with him even more blissful, like when he made me hot chocolate with marshmallows every Sunday, or how he still left me handwritten notes on my computer every morning to cheer me up. They all meant so much to me. 

     Maybe that's why it hurt so much more when the little things stopped. I woke up to an empty computer, and he seemed to have forgotten about hot chocolate. He seemed to have forgotten about me.

     This emptiness in our bond went on for weeks, until I finally mustered up the courage to confront him about his sudden silence.

"I just don't understand what I've done!"

"You haven't done anything, Dan, none of this is your fault."

"Then what on earth is going on with you?"

"Nothing. I just need some time."

     I gave him time. I didn't complain when I saw the packed suitcase by the door, and I didn't complain when I heard him slam the front door for the last time. I held onto the false hope that he would come back and realize it was all a mistake, but of course happy endings are always so unrealistic, aren't they? 

     2 weeks after he left marks the day when I couldn't leave any more voice messages because his phone's inbox was full. That was when it really hit me. Hearing that dumb, robotic voice crackling in my ear:

"The mailbox is full, and cannot accept any messages at this time. Goodbye."

     All my life, I had been careful. Through practically all of adolescence, I had mastered the fake smile and laugh, sometimes  _I_ even believed I was happy. But deep down I knew I was only hanging on by a thread and the smallest thing could make me snap. 

     So the way I picture it is that we are all bridges. We are tenderly built over canyons and cliffs, and we just have to build a strong enough bridge to get through our life, and then eventually the bridge gets worn down and crumbles down into the abyss. I just had to build my bridge to appear as strong as it could, and maybe,  _just maybe_ , it would hold up. I'd built my bridge to the best of my ability. The strings and pillars that held it up were never the greatest quality, but over time I learned how to strengthen them. It was never fine, but I managed to put a certain amount of weight on the bridge without snapping it. There were weaker points and stronger points. The bridge was creaky and shaky most of the time, but sometimes in my finest moments it could almost be considered sturdy. That went on for a while. 

Then I met Phil. 

     He helped me strengthen my bridge into the best it could be. The ropes and pillars became strong and sturdy, and I rarely had to worry about anything cracking them, because now all the weight I had to carry was so much lighter. For once, I actually felt like my bridge would truly last. 

     Everything I love currently is because of Phil. He helped me discover myself, and together we created a life, created a  _family._ If it weren't for him, I never would have started YouTube, and I never would have come out of my shell. I never would have woken up at the crack of dawn just to watch a sunrise, or screamed all the way until 3 am while playing Crash Bandicoot, forgetting that there were neighbours sleeping because nothing else seemed to exist except me, Phil, and the game in front of us.

     Hearing that robotic voice through the phone was like the last string of our relationship being cut. And once it was cut, the rest of my carefully constructed life—which at this point consisted entirely of this fake happy act I had used to cover up the hole Phil left behind—all came crashing down along with it. 

     I watched my whole life crumble down to my feet, the rickety bridge that was Dan Howell finally giving out, its already cracked pillars and ropes finally letting go and crushing into nothing but rubble. After all, all the greatest points in my life were because of Phil. 

     I wasn't dead of course, but I may as well have been. I was just a raw, empty shell of what once was a happy boy. Now, I just ran on auto pilot, not bothering to find any meaning in anything, just trying to make it through to the next day.

     I eventually stopped trying to contact him. None of my calls were going through anyway, he changed his number to avoid me. I was just plain Dan Howell without the shining Phil Lester by my side. 

     I didn't have a bridge anymore. But the dust floating in the air from its rubble wasn't too bad, it clouded my mind so much that eventually everything just felt like a dream. 

**1 Month Later**

 I decided to make one final attempt to reach him.

_Phil, please talk to me._

**Leave me alone.**

It was the first words he'd sent me since he left. I felt my heart start to pound.

_You can't just leave with no explanation. Please don't shut me out, talk to me._

**Can't you just stay away from me?**

_What happened, Phil? Just tell me what I did._

**Maybe I just fell out of love with you.**

     If there was any hope for me maybe building another bridge one day, it died along with that message. 

**5 Years Later**

     It was 2022. A bright happiness filled the air, and everyone walked with a bounce in their step. Blue flower petals were sprinkled along the aisle, and just looking at them made my stomach twist. My hands fiddled nervously, palms sweating when I saw him walk into the room.

     He was just as beautiful as he'd always been. The glow that seemingly surrounded him had never faded, and his smile lit up the entire room. I felt the tears spring to my eyes but blinked them away hastily. I had to stay calm, I couldn't ruin this. 

"Do you, Phil Lester, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

     I felt myself shaking. This wasn't how this night was supposed to be, I wasn't allowed to ruin this like I ruined everything else for him. I managed to get through the 'I do's,' but my hands were still shaking.

_Come on, Dan._

I forced myself not to look away as Phil's lips met  _his,_ the man who stole everything that made me happy all for himself.

     I watched as Phil Lester married another man. I clapped numbly along with the rest of the crowd, and made small talk with strangers. I pretended I was perfectly okay, just as I always had since the day he left.

     Maybe the next thing I did was cruel. But if he could invite me to his wedding, I could say one thing. I pulled him aside, and told him the only thing I knew how.

"I wanted you to know you were the best thing that ever happened to me. To this day, I don't know why you left, but if you are happy, I am happy.

"Treat this boy well, okay? Trust me, he loves the hot chocolate you will make for him on Sundays, and the notes you will leave for him. He will love the way you stick your tongue between your teeth when you smile, and the way you can never seem to stop fidgeting.   
Take him on wild expeditions through rain and shine, hold his hand in public and in privatebecause it proves you love him everywhere you go.

"Make him happy, but don't forget to make yourself happy. Spend time with him, raise a family with him, build a  _life_ with him. Go to your kid's baseball games, theatre performances, or whatever the fuck they're interested in because they deserve to have a father that cares, and no one can fill that expectation better than you can.

"Make sure a day never passes where you don't tell your husband that you love him. Kiss him and hold him like he is the entire world, because that is how you made  _me_  feel. Stay up to watch the sunset, wake up to watch the sunrise. Don't take what you have for granted."

I take a shaky breath and swallow.

"Give him the happy ending I wish you'd given me."

     Those same blue eyes I'd seen for years, the same blue eyes that I fell in love with, stared back at me in shock and awe. I stood there for a moment, savouring for the last time the comfort and warmth that blue still gave me. I felt a single tear slip down my cheek slowly before I turned briskly and left the building. I didn't look back, and I never saw Phil Lester again.

But still, whenever I close my eyes, I can still see blue.

Blue was my favourite colour.

**Author's Note:**

> HI THERE! If you've made it this far, Thank you so much for reading! This is my first phanfic, so I hope it wasn't too bad and that you enjoyed it! I love you very much, stay cool! x
> 
> Check me out on Wattpad here! You'll have a real fun time, I can guarantee!


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